How to meet a man...

I have no idea. I have over a decade of dating experience, and I still don’t know how to meet men. I can tell you, however, what does NOT work:

The grocery store does not work. I actually dated a guy who I met at a grocery (the “singles” grocery, of course). There are a couple problems with this approach. First, you better not be buying anything embarrassing. Steal the pregnancy test if you must, but don’t leave it right there next to the Chex cereal. Second, I have found that the natural first date from a grocery store meeting is a homemade dinner. “Hey, you’re buying food! I like food!” This is not a good idea. There is nothing more awkward than being in your apartment with a stranger with nothing to distract you but some steak and salad. (Disclaimer: It’s not safe, either).

Museums, galleries, plays, and other cultural pursuits do not work. Again, there are a few problems with this idea. You think to yourself, I’m going to meet some urbane, sophisticated, mature man this way. No, you’re not. You are going to meet men with girlfriends or wives. You are going to meet gay men, or men who aren’t quite sure. You are going to meet men who spend more money on their shoes and more time on their hair than you do, and who wants to give up that much closet and bathroom space? It seems smart, but don’t bother.

Work- do I even need to say anything here? Best-case scenario, you get married and you lose your job. Worst-case scenario, you break up and lose your job. In between, you break up, and you keep your job and watch him date another co-worker. Does this even sound like fun?

If the men you meet at museums are a little too metrosexual, you’re thinking- fine, I’ll go to a sporting event! I will meet a man who is down-to-earth. He wears a baseball cap. He drinks Budweiser. He is passionate, you can tell by the way the veins in his neck pop out when something happens on the field. I hate to be the one to crush your dreams, but men at sporting events are not there to meet women. You are only going to annoy them by hitting on them. Have you tried to talk to your boyfriend when he is watching a game on TV and he ignores you? How do you think he feels when he’s watching it in real life? The only woman he is interested in at a sporting event is a cheerleader on the big screen.

If you think I’m even going to touch on bars and nightclubs or internet dating, you are thinking far too little of me.

At this point, you are thinking, “for pete’s sake… where DO I meet a decent man?” Re-read the first line. I have no idea. However, I have a suggestion. The only venue I have found no serious problems with is friends’ parties. As long as you get a go-ahead that someone is single, they obviously have some clearance from people you know as to not being crazy. They are not distracted by a live sporting event, and you don’t have to make them dinner. It’s the best I can offer. Then again, I’m single.