it's like a stand-up act, but i'm sitting and alone

UPDATE: These are all "jokes" I made up- not copied from others. That will explain why it really is only funny to me.

A lot of these are only funny to me. It's okay. I read this blog too.

• When presented with an opportunity to sell your soul to the devil, keep in mind that not only will you have eternal damnation facing you at death's door, you just know that Satan is going to be calling you up for favors in the meantime.
• Upon learning that Bill Clinton can complete the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle, in pen, in 20 minutes, I thought to myself, I bet George W. Bush has to do word seeks in pencil.
• I saw an acrylic chair for sale for $461. I thought my goal since college should have been to NOT have plastic furniture.
• What ensures the security of the service industry in this country is the huge number of lazy, inconsiderate assholes.
• There is a product called Super Manure. It's the shit.
• People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
• For that matter, neither should people in wood houses.
• Or straw.
• And watch out for wolves.
  
• I saw a married couple buying condoms. I thought that was kind of weird, but then I thought maybe they're not married to each other.
• At the hospital I worked at, there was a sign saying that the room had been donated by Mr. and Mrs. Carter. It made me wonder what had been there before and the difficulty of installation.
• At the same hospital, I saw a sign promoting something called Walk to Cure Diabetes. I don't want to be a negative Nelly, but I think they should still have some insulin around.
• Am I the only person that, when the car wash starts, has a little panic attack that the windows aren't up all the way?
• The best part of having your own house is not having your neighbors hear your multiple flush poops.
• My own personal superstition: When you drop the soap in the shower, someone is having a sexual fantasy about you. Spread the word.
• When a flock of birds flies over you, aren't you a little surprised when you don't get pooped on?
• Shouldn't People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive be the same guy until he dies?
• I was watching a home and garden show about people using junk to make furniture. Before a break, they said "What can you do with an old iron chair, some boat chains, and old rowboat oars?" And I thought... abuse GitMo prisoners?
• You know what would be depressing? If you were talking to a deaf person and they close their eyes.
• On a house-hunting show, there was an Asian guy with a WASP voice saying, "the only thing I'm not digging is that the appliances seem kind of old-school." Talk about a culture clash.
• Writers have low-enough self-esteem to be miserable, but high enough to think people care about their misery.
• Advice to rich/famous men/women (especially men): Don't get married. There will be plenty of people who want to hang out and bone you and even have your kids. But no matter how iron-clad your pre-nup is, you'll waste a lot of time and money fighting it in court. Just bone and pay child support as necessary.

Thanks for indulging my inner comedian. I'm sure more of these will plop out sooner or later.

By the way- anyone who is not easily offended, I've got a great joke for you. But it's not going on here.

the burden of proof

For those of you who may not have been aware, I'm a chick. I know, the name throws folks off, but it's true. I serve as the proud home of a couple of Fallopian tubes. Good for me.

The reason I am noting this is a prelude to today's topic- why can't a chick just like sports and not have to deal with bullshit? I've wrestled with this issue for years- see the June 2001 issue of ESPN The Magazine and the "Two-Way with Stuart Scott" as reference to my continuing dilemma. For some reason, when I mention I am a sports fan, it immediately emasculates any men present. For example, I was at work at City View on Monday. My first customer was a dude that had hating on his mind from the moment he walked in. I had been watching That 70s Show and he said, "why isn't SportsCenter on?" I didn't feel it necessary to go into the fact that I don't watch ESPN until everyone gets there because they cover the same stories on First and 10, Jim Rome is Burning, Around the Horn, Pardon the Interruption, et cetera. But whatev. So I hand him the remote and make his burger.

Within the next half hour, a few more folks have trickled in, including Dude's Friend and a couple of regulars. Jim Rome was on at this point. I would say I hate Jim Rome, but I don't truly hate anyone. But I do think he's annoying, rarely makes a good point, and he talks too loud. (Billy Banks called and he wants his outside voice back). I mentioned my distaste for Rome, and Dude asked (and this was not a friendly ask, by the way) why I didn't like him. I gave those reasons, and added that his precisely trimmed goatee was repulsive (well, it is). Apparently, Dude has recently been neutered or something, because he was just jonesing for a fight. He started asking me my opinions on all things sports- Brett Favre (Brett, yes you're awesome. But you're dicking around with a city full of fans that worship the ground you walk on and it's not fair. You're like the dude that keeps calling his ex-girlfriend. Give them some time to grieve, keep your word, and do some endorsement deals and wait for the inevitable call from Fox to host MNF). Chad Johnson (I could so care less about his whining- the only reason it was a story was because everyone paid attention to him. See previous posts for more thoughts on 85). Dusty Baker (there's only so much you can do with a little bit of pitching and even less offense. However, I do think he's too nice to the players and should start running a tighter ship. Sparky, we miss you). Then it moved on to politics- am I a Hillary fan? Well, it's kind of like rooting for the San Diego Padres at this point... "there's always 2012." Anyway, it's not a matter of being a fan- it's a matter of agreement on policy. But, Dude was just interested in fighting for fighting's sake, which is a drain when I'm trying to work.

I would be lying if I said I didn't know why men feel the need to question my interest in sports. (Well, more than an interest... I love them). It's silly. Honestly- one guy once asked me who held the home run record. Really? And no, I don't know every single person who plays every single sport- I don't memorize every stat, and I don't watch SC 3 times a day. I have to leave room in my brain for things like dirty jokes, who John Mayer is dating, and my blood type (AB negative, if you need any). But honestly, it gets old. Yes, I like sports... more than most girls, and more than a lot of guys. Fortunately, my breasts don't get in the way of the game (well, usually). So give a chick some credit... save the quiz for the 4th inning AFLAC trivia question.

fallen idol: epilogue

On the 4th of July, the comic at Natalie Dee had a familiar ring...


nataliedee.com

"prelude to an email" is the title

FYI: here's a transcript of the note in the cartoon (I realize it's getting cut off)

"Dear Natalie,

I am an avid reader of your site, however, I was not pleased with today's comic, "Flying Chicken." I will have you know that chickens cannot fly. I know this because I am a chicken doctor, and also it was in Wikipedia.

Please remove this comic from your archive, or I will never read your site again.

Thank you for your prompt attention in regards to this issue.

Sincerely,
Richard Poultry
Chicken MD"

This is the closest to fame I'm likely to get.

Enjoy