(Insert clever title here)

Ugh...

Life is complicated. I hate making decisions. I'm a classic commitment-phobe... not just of relationships, but of anything- careers, apartments, hairstyles.

But I guess at some point, you have to make a decision... about something.

While I'm honestly not looking forward to it, I'm planning on going to OU in fall '09 for the doctorate. I don't want to move to Athens, or live there for four years. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to deal with any of it... but the only job I've ever really liked was teaching college. I can't see a point to my life if I am a secretary my whole life. I don't plan on having children, and if I don't do something with the career aspect of my life, I'm going to feel like I haven't had much impact on the planet.

So, I've resigned myself to realizing that shortly before my 31st birthday, I'll be moving to Athens, and starting what will likely be a very long four years. But, if I don't go, I'll still be 35 at the end of that time, and I'd probably still be a secretary. So, what the hell.

In case you were wondering what spurred this decision... I was out with a friend and ran into one of my former students from UC. He asked me if I was still teaching, and I said no. And he basically lectured me for about 45 minutes that I needed to be teaching because I was the best teacher he ever had, etc. Then, a month later, I ran into one of my former students from NKU. We basically had the exact same conversation Jeff and I had. Both conversations made me cry like a baby. So I thought. And thought. And thought. I have to do it. I'm pissed about it, but you do what you have to do.

I made a couple other life changes. I resigned from the board of Give Back Cincinnati. It's a great group, but it's not on my list of priorities anymore... There are a lot of factors, but all that matters is that it wasn't fair to me or to GBC to keep going.

Lastly... I made a call the other night. You know, we all have those "first loves." That's who I called. Because I realized... I still love him. And I probably always will love him. In retrospect, I think that he is probably the only person I've ever met/dated/whatever that I would marry. It's a weird kind of unconditional love, because he's done some pretty stupid shit. But, from the day I met him in June 1996, I was in love. My mom even remembers me coming home and saying that I had met the man I was going to marry. Well, it's been almost 12 years. He's been married and divorced. He's got kids. He's done some stupid things. But, there is something about him that I will always love. And I told him that, because I thought... if someone felt that way about me, I would want to know. And I know him enough to know that he would want to know, too. Who knows what will come of that- maybe nothing. Something would be nice, but even if it's nothing, I know that neither of us will leave this world without knowing that. So- Jason, I love you. Always have, always will.

Random musings, I know... not very funny, or insightful. But when I go too long without writing, I get all these hostile messages... just kidding... sort of. I'm snowed in, and nothing really funny or insightful to say... just things that are true.