Immortality... or a lack thereof

The problem with being a writer (or someone who calls themselves a writer because they have a blog and/or a couple locally published writings) is that there is a certain level of permanence to what you have written. A sense of immortality that goes beyond the mere passing on of DNA- it's your thoughts, emotions, feelings, ideas- written out for the world to see forever. Even when it's something as trivial as this blog- I would feel it inauthentic to delete posts just because I've changed my mind. Or because I have evolved. It would be like shutting y'all out of this whole crazy process.

So, even though I have gone back and forth on grad school (yes, I'm still planning on getting the PhD, much to my chagrin), even though I've lamented being the Cute Fat Girl and am rapidly approaching Skinny Cute Girlness, and even though while I've declared my love for Jason yet know that it is highly unlikely I'll end up with him in the end- even though all that's out there... things change. But that snapshot is out there and raises doubt. I guess that's the danger in being a writer... having a blog or whatever... that people will see your struggles. While so many can keep it a secret until they come out on top, insisting that it was their plan all along... some of us suffer through every indignity, every lapse in judgment, every irrational emotion with an audience of 6 billion (no, I don't think 6 billion people read my blog... yet).

In many ways, it would be a lot easier to hide it away. It would be easier not to let people in on the crazy inside. It would be easier not to share every jolt of electrical thought current rushing through my brain. But I decided long ago that part of my life was going to be ensuring that all the people who feel like they are abnormal, deviant, sick, or alone... they are going to know that everyone has value, we are all deserving of happiness and while we are all unique, we are all in it together. So if someone is feeling down on themselves, and it makes them feel better to know that I think I'm the shit but I fuck up all the time... it's the least I can do.

I should not write at 1:30 in the morning after drinking wine. It makes me ramble.

Namaste, kids...