The Pursewatcher

There are some unintended consequences to be the Fat Girl in the group. I'm not huge, but given that most of my friends (especially the going-out ones) are skinny as all get-out, I'm the default Fat Girl.

Sure, there's the typical, "you better be funny if you're the Fat Girl." But there are some lesser known identities. Let's discuss them.

"Unintended Wingwoman": Whether I like it or not, I'm the wingwoman. When the guy has the choice between the cute Fat Girl and the cute Skinny Girl, it's a no-brainer. So no matter how many guys I chat up, it's just an opening for them to hit on my friend, whether she is interested or not. I don't fault Skinny Girl in this- she is usually completely unwitting to this situation. But it's disappointing to put all that work in, and watch him do his best to shove his tongue down her throat on the dance floor.

"Friend of the Crazies": Something about the fact that I might at some point be standing off the dance floor- and I'm not as intimidating as cute Skinny Girl- means I attract crazies of all sorts. Crazy drunk women, creepy guys who want advice on picking up women (then I'm GLAD they aren't interested in me), bored bouncers who want to tell me their life aspirations outside the bar... I get them all. Being fat usually makes you unapproachable. But the other unapproachables find comfort in you- they reach out because you're on their side. Ew. No, I'm not.

"The Pursewatcher": A personal favorite of mine. Towards the end of the night, when I'm tired of getting shot down and ignored by people with whom I might be interested and worn out from the Crazies, I grab a table and just observe the madness. Skinny Girls who can't dance being pursued by drunk men who want nothing more than a handful of body, etc. It seems within ten minutes of me sitting at a table (after a few "hey, it's okay to smile" comments from creepy men who seem to think it's their job to dictate my facial expression), I become the Watcher of Purses. While the Skinny Girls dance, SOMEONE has to watch their purses, shoes, drinks, and so on. And that person becomes me. Now I'm stuck because I don't want their stuff stolen. Thanks, Skinny Girls. Nothing could make my night more pathetic than babysitting inanimate objects while you get slobbered on by the guy I winged your way.

I used to be cute Skinny Girl. A bad medication that is necessary for my survival made me cute Fat Girl. I've resigned myself to my role in life. The Pursewatcher.