it's like a stand-up act, but i'm sitting and alone

UPDATE: These are all "jokes" I made up- not copied from others. That will explain why it really is only funny to me.

A lot of these are only funny to me. It's okay. I read this blog too.

• When presented with an opportunity to sell your soul to the devil, keep in mind that not only will you have eternal damnation facing you at death's door, you just know that Satan is going to be calling you up for favors in the meantime.
• Upon learning that Bill Clinton can complete the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle, in pen, in 20 minutes, I thought to myself, I bet George W. Bush has to do word seeks in pencil.
• I saw an acrylic chair for sale for $461. I thought my goal since college should have been to NOT have plastic furniture.
• What ensures the security of the service industry in this country is the huge number of lazy, inconsiderate assholes.
• There is a product called Super Manure. It's the shit.
• People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
• For that matter, neither should people in wood houses.
• Or straw.
• And watch out for wolves.
  
• I saw a married couple buying condoms. I thought that was kind of weird, but then I thought maybe they're not married to each other.
• At the hospital I worked at, there was a sign saying that the room had been donated by Mr. and Mrs. Carter. It made me wonder what had been there before and the difficulty of installation.
• At the same hospital, I saw a sign promoting something called Walk to Cure Diabetes. I don't want to be a negative Nelly, but I think they should still have some insulin around.
• Am I the only person that, when the car wash starts, has a little panic attack that the windows aren't up all the way?
• The best part of having your own house is not having your neighbors hear your multiple flush poops.
• My own personal superstition: When you drop the soap in the shower, someone is having a sexual fantasy about you. Spread the word.
• When a flock of birds flies over you, aren't you a little surprised when you don't get pooped on?
• Shouldn't People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive be the same guy until he dies?
• I was watching a home and garden show about people using junk to make furniture. Before a break, they said "What can you do with an old iron chair, some boat chains, and old rowboat oars?" And I thought... abuse GitMo prisoners?
• You know what would be depressing? If you were talking to a deaf person and they close their eyes.
• On a house-hunting show, there was an Asian guy with a WASP voice saying, "the only thing I'm not digging is that the appliances seem kind of old-school." Talk about a culture clash.
• Writers have low-enough self-esteem to be miserable, but high enough to think people care about their misery.
• Advice to rich/famous men/women (especially men): Don't get married. There will be plenty of people who want to hang out and bone you and even have your kids. But no matter how iron-clad your pre-nup is, you'll waste a lot of time and money fighting it in court. Just bone and pay child support as necessary.

Thanks for indulging my inner comedian. I'm sure more of these will plop out sooner or later.

By the way- anyone who is not easily offended, I've got a great joke for you. But it's not going on here.